totally confused at the moment! or angry and sad… I don’t really know…
remember the guy I was talking about in my last two posts? well he was rather quiet on saturday/sunday/monday… but on tuesday it was the bomb! well we were texting via msn every night… and I told him I’m not tired and blabla. so he gave me an advice what I could do against it. (no need to mention lol) and on tuesday when I was studying I got a text from him asking if I followed his advice… well yes I did… and yes it helped! and so we were texting all day long… well it was pretty sexually…let’s call it that… somewhen in the afternoon he finally texted that we could meet and try some of the stuff we were texting about… I litereally could’ve screamed… but I was at the library so yeah.
well I went to his place in the evening, we were watching a movie when he started fondling me. we did that for hours and it was so amazing… he was so tender and careful and always asked if it was ok and stuff… I mean we did not have sex but we or pretty much he said I wasn’t ready for that yet. but I think the best moment was when he looked into my eyes and kissed me. I really can’t forget his look he had…
okay, so I spent the night, and when we woke up in the morning we did the same thing all over again. we were sooo tired… it just sucked he had to go to work :/
oh yeah during the night we always were sorta touching each other…you know just make sure that there’s physical contact… it was so beautiful! especially because I thought before that I would hate it if there’s someone lying next to me and stuff… maybe it depends on the person lying next to you…
okay, so it was all really great, until we said goodbye… peck on the cheeks… again… after such a night… I think my face was really like wtf?! ok maybe I should’ve done anything but I’m way too shy… so yeah… he should know that by now! ok so I went home and back to bed…
the following days were… let’s say pretty quiet! ok wednesday we were both really tired! he fell asleep around 8 (so he said lol) and I around 10… ok… on thursday I got one lousy text! and no reply on my text and no reply on another text I sent later… but okayyy… and guess what, in the evening he was super tired again so we talked for 30mins via msn but you can’t really say talked because it was like “tired? yes you? yes but I’ll hit it in a few anyway! oh ok good idea! ok I’m going off good night! thanks you too”… I wasn’t even in the mood to say good night to him… lol…
but the worst thing was friday! usually he texted me at least around 11am… even if it was a stupid text I was happy to get at least something… but friday: nothing! so I texted him… his reply you’re wondering? nothing! so this day  pretty much sucked for me… because I could not stop thinking of what that means… or anything… only good thing was an awesome concert where I had so much fun… eventhough I thought of him all the time… and there was one song “I don’t wanna be in love” and I was like… wtf?! are you kidding me?! haha…
but ok, so we went home, I went online on msn and guess who was online? yes him! I was waiting to see if he says anything but then I was tired fo waiting and wanted some answers… he was tired again and he has to work this weekend and apparently a lot to do at work… ok I understand that…really! so when I said “I suppose I don’t need to ask you if we can see each other anytime soon when you have so much work to do” his answer: “yeah I’m pretty busy right now”…
well I think that was the moment when I realized he’s not too eager to meet soon. or he’s just really really really busy… I don’t know… and that’s what’s bothering me so much. because I don’t know what’s going on! I just wished we could’ve met for an hour or so this weekend to take a walk and clear things up… but I don’t wanna be all little girly like oooh I miss you, i wanna see you and stuff… I don’t want him to think that I want to rush anything. because I don’t! I’d just like to know where we stand, what all this on tuesday meant to him… basically I’d just be happy to know if he’s done with me or wants to keep on seeing each other and take it slow and stuff… I would really like to ask him that. but I wanted to do it in person. and I don’t wanan annoy him… :/
but on the other hand he said I should say and ask things if I want to because it’s important to always know what the other person thinks… but why can’t he do the same?
it would be so obvious if there wasn’t tuesday… for me it was so special and the way he treated me was special to me… but maybe I’m way too naive I don’t know…
my plan for today is to not text him… I already know he won’t text me… so yeah… whatever :/
and I won’t text him via msn if he’s online tonight… and if he texts me ok… then I will see how the conversation goes and then maybe I will ask him… because I don’t want to feel like this for the next few days… I can live with the fact that this isn’t going anywhere… all I need is a clear cut.
so I guess we will see how it goes and I will keep you updated…

>Good Charlotte - I don’t wanna be on love<

So to give you (the people I imagine to read this LOL) an update… yesterday went quite nice. well he talked a lot about finances and politics and I’m not very good at that but we had a nice time. We laughed a lot and yeah I don’t know. What I thought was not so nice was that he did not pay for my coffee and soda. but ok whatever! and when we said goodbye we gave us a peck on each cheek and he said it was a nice evening.
when I left I wasn’t that positive. I thought it was ok and I really had no clue. Well, 15mins later he texted me. nothing like he had a great time or anything but ok. I left around 12am and we kept on texting till 3am. it was really nice and it gave me the feeling he must’ve enjoyed it. actually another downer was when I said good night and sweet dreams and thanks for the nice evening and he replied you’re very welcome. ok not the reaction I was hoping for but whatever… he said again I could come over and get a massage and stuff… plus he said he’d wear clothes if I came because he usually sleeps naked…lol.
and guess what I found out today. he deactivated his online dating profile. I mean it actually would be kinda weird if he did that because of yesterday. but I’d really like the reason though! but of course my first thought was like eeep :)…
well our texts today were not so satisfying but I was still happy. I mean we don’t have to text 24h a day do we?! and at least he texted me first when I came online in msn. I’m sure he wouldn’t do that if he totally lost interest right?!
I know I’m thinking way too much and try to interprete every action…unfortunately that’s what I always do :/ but I keep telling myself that everything will find its way and I can’t change anything anyway. if it’s supposed to work out it is and if it’s not then it’s not!
but what really brought me down today is when I talked to my friend on the phone. She had a rough couple of months with her guys over the past few months and I just think she’s not the right person to tell me what to do. Even if she was in relationships and I don’t. Maybe she meant it the right way by just giving me the advice to not think it’s gonna work out. Which I don’t! I just like the situation….that somebody’s there…somebody I can flirt with…I mean he’s older and he’s way more openminded obviously. But I would never do something I don’t want to do. If it’d really disturb and disgust me that much what he kept texting me I wouldn’t text with him every day. And I just wanna see where it goes… and I think I have the right to do that don’t I?! And why can’t I do things with guys without friends telling me shit. Like literally telling me to forget him!? Umm…no!
yeah that just made me a little bit angry I guess… :/
Of course I’d like to know what he thinks. But I guess I can’t say “sooo…am I ever gonna see you again?”… or something like that. I just need to me patient. and I will…
ok frankly today I wished he’d say you wanna come over. but he didn’t… he sure must have his reasons. but like I said I’m gonna see what will happen. Everything happens for a reason.
But what I learned today: I probably gonna stop telling my friends everything we’re texting. Because they obviously don’t like him just because he asked some weird stuff. Which was weird and not quite appropriate before we’ve ever met but like I said I am old enough to make my own decisions and mistakes! So to avoid hearing such things from my friends I stop telling them stuff.
Sad thing is, I always come back to this decision…that I might be better off alone….sometimes…

I’ve got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I’m stepping out into the great unknown
I’m feeling wings though I’ve never flown
I’ve got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I’m not made of stone
I’ve got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I’ve got a right to be wrong
I’ve been held down to long
I’ve got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I’ve got a right to be wrong

>Joss Stone - Right to be Wrong<

ififell-inlove:

Please don’t be in love with someone else

Please don’t have somebody waiting on you

drama baby!
well not real dreama… just been thinking that there must always come something up that keeps me from being happy. well I am happy right now… although I was happier the last 3 days.
why you’re wondering? let’s start from the beginning…
about 10 days ago I started writing with a guy via this online dating site. and ever since we’ve been writing daily… when he’s at work we’re texting and when he’s home we’re talking online…
and I swear last monday I was litereally smiling all day long! that was so crazy! I just felt so happy…it simply felt good to write with him. eventhough we actually never talked about something serious… of course we writing flirty messages… I mean why not… it was all cool… but then he started asking me some stuff which were pretty… let’s call it surprising!? I mean things like if I ever had sex and stuff… but not in a creepy way. you’re probably wondering if you can ask something like that in a not creepy way… somehow you can… and I told him the truth and his answer was really nice… but you know… I would mind such questions less if I knew the person already. and that’s what started to disturb me more and more each day. he asked me everyday if I would like to come or if he can come over. of course I said no. I ain’t crazy!
today another rather disturbing question came. I mean it was not such a bad question but what I thought was disturbing was the fact that he seemed to ask me such questions to see if I’m the way he likes girls. and I think it’s more beautiful to get to know each other in person. and some questions should just be asked between two people who know and (especially) trust each other! and I couldn’t say that I trust this guy.
and I told him that today…that I think it’s not ok to ask such questions and why he’s doing that… his answer wasn’t very satisfying… basically he said he’s curious… and I’ve been thinking a lot today and I came to the conclusion that we never really talked about something serious…and if I can’t do that with a person I don’t see this going anywhere. I mean I would love to have someone beside me but not at any price!
so our conversation tonight wasn’t like our previous ones. but if he doesn’t like what I had to say I’m sorry! all I can say to that is fuck off! I deserved someone better!
we actually said we’d meet up tomorrow. but we never talked about an actual time or place… but I guess he’s gonna text me something like “done with work wanna meet me now?” I’m still not sure if I wanna do that. at the beginning of the week I could hardly wait till friday but unlike him, asking me everyday to meet up I wanted to wait. you never know how guys you don’t know are. of course we would’ve met in a cafe. I would never ever go to a guy’s place I don’t know. I do not wanna get raped or whatever!
but the situation right now is that he didn’t even say good night today… and usually I got a good night kiss text every night… but not today! I guess I know what that means… before he went offline he said I could text him something sweet or nice… so I did…almost 30mins later but he didn’t  say when I should text him. so what? lol and I don’t know what he’d expect what I write…just said good night and sweet dreams…well I never got an answer! 
I will not text him before I get a text from him… and if he doesn’t wanna text me anymore I’m ok with that too. then he’s not worth any of my thoughts/texts/time anymore! I do have my pride… and I know I deserved someone better.
so we will see what tomorrow will happen.
but with everything he said today he pretty much shot himself into the foot.

>Tom Dice - Miss Perfect<

Did it ever happen to you that you heard or read something and you know you actually shouldn’t have? but what you read or hear just kills you inside?! but you can’t even tell anybody because you shouldn’t have heard or read it?
yeah well, that’s what just happened to me! I should check my friend’s email to see if she won at this one competition for tickets to the party where we planned on going to tonight. good news: she won. so did I. bad news: I read an email from our other friend who’s coming with us tonight. well, let’s say I really should have NOT done that!
first it was just about what outfit they’re gonna wear. and my friend (who’s also my roomie, so I’ll refer as roomie from now on) asked me if she could wear her skirt today and I said no. I didn’t really think about it, I just said now. who knew she’d make such a big deal out of it?! well, anyhow, she told that our friend who then said, that I might be afraid that they both look sexy and stuff and I’m gonna end up alone. and she’s not even sure if I’m gonna dance and that would be just fucked up (she didn’t say fucked up, but the sense is somehow the same lol).
and another thing was, that I’ve been sick for pretty much the past month. and I know something’s wrong with me and it’s mostly psychosomatic. but this time I’m sure it’s not because of tonight! it’s just a fucking flu!
but I think the worst thing about all of this is, that I met my friend two days four days ago and I told her everything I thought about her and how she behaves at the moment and we agreed on telling us everything from now on. yeah well, we see how that’s working out huh?!
oh yeah, another thing she (friend) said or rather asked was that if they both found a guy tonight and made out with them and I wouldn’t if my roomie would respect that and be like chicks over dicks. my roomie didn’t answer that (yet) but alone the question from our friend was like a slap in the face! you know, I really thought we’d go out as friends (of course somehow with the intention to maybe find some guys) and have fun… but this clearly shows me where her priorities are! and I don’t need that! and I think I’m not even able to have fun tonight knowing how my friend thinks. I just can’t make a happy face when I’m not happy! sometimes I wish I could, but I’m just way too honest.
I just don’t know how I should tell them why I won’t come with them. I can’t tell I read the mail. but maybe something will cross my mind during the next few hours. I just wanna be alone now…
as if it wasn’t enough already that I need to find a job, finish university and don’t have a fucking clue what to do with my life, nooo… it seems like I don’t have any friends anymore aswell. great just great! why not simply kill myself right now? why waiting another 50 years till I die… without a job and without friends?!
sometimes I wish I could just leave the country and start somewhere completly new. new people, new me, everything just better! but who knows, maybe I’m gonna do that sooner or later! everything’s pushing me towards that…obviously!

well, we’ll see how everything’s gonna be today… but as of right now I have to say I won’t go with them and I don’t even wanna talk with them!

I just don’t get it how someone can be so double-faced?! screw you! seriously!

I can’t take it
This welcome is gone and
I’ve waited long enough to make it
and if you’re so strong
you might as well just do it alone
And I’ll watch you go

>All American Rejects - Can’t take it<

I really love my friends! I really do… but sometimes when I am around them 24/7 there are times when I wish I could be all by myself. I’m just not one of those people who likes to be around other people 24/7. I can’t help it.

>Soft Cell - Tainted Love<

didn’t write here in a while…but I’ve been busy moving into our new apartment and it took quite a while lol

but tonight something happened that really pissed me off!
the thing is, I don’t have a job and I pretty much depend on my parents to finance my life here. well I get family allowance plus I have a scholarship and everything’s fine. although I often feel bad because I know my parents do pay me a little more. and I know they both don’t have that much money anymore…
I used to have a job for a month 2 years ago but I quit because I really couldn’t take it. the people there were aweful and I just couldn’t handle it :/ I’m more an office-kinda person lol
anyway…I talk every evening with my mom on the phone and today I told here she needs to transfer money from my savings book for my rent.
it all ended in a fight. well not a fight. my mom kinda flipped a shit because she has my savings book at our other place and can’t do it tomorrow. so she blamed me for not telling her earlier and not been talking much the last few days. well instead of shouting at her or talking back I said nothing and just thought “just shut up, swallow hard I can’t hear your crap no more”
I mean… I sometimes have days when I just do not want to talk and my mom should really know that by now… and the thing with the rent I just found out yesterday. so…wtf?! sometimes it’s really annoying… and I want to get a stupid job so I’m not dependend on my parents anymore. it’s all so fucked up… and right now I kinda hate everything and everyone and everything sucks… and I’m wondering what’s the point of all this anyway?! uuugh…

I guess I’m gonna do now what I always do…repress is and go to bed… :/

>Shut Up - Jerx<

Suffering a massive shock …

i’m afraid I have some of the worst news that has ever hit our lives.  It’s almost impossible to even type this update.  A few nights ago, Matthew walked from my apt. a block and a half down the street to meet a friend for a drink.  half way there he saw a man severely beating his wife. Being the most amazing, strong, heroic and incredible person I know..  even though the guy was twice his size, Matthew intervened.  He managed to subdue this guy for a second and since his wife was beat up pretty good called the cops.. as he did so the guy jumped him from behind and beat him.  This guy did things I can’t even type.  After words, he and his beaten wife left Matthew unconcious on the street.   Matthew is in the hospital with a third of his skull removed as we wait for the swelling in his brain to go down. I’d rather not share any additional information at this time besides the fact that he acted as a hero (as he always would in any of these situations) and is paying a horrific price.  Pease send all your love and good energy and vibrations to him.  I’ve been and will be next to him throughout the entire recovery process.  We don’t know enough yet details about how that will develop.. but it has shocked, stunned, disgusted our best friends, family and band (which are both).  The world can be evil beyond belief and as much as we want this evil eliminated, right now our hearts heads and energies need to go to my best friend, soul mate, hero, and angel, Matthew.  Love you all and will be in touch as soon as I can muster up the emotional energy to reach out again.  Please, be safe and peaceful as we get through this impossible time. 

Nathan

first of all I wanna say, Í really hope matthew will be fine again soon!
and I wanna say thank you matt for showing the world that there are people with courage out there! I love you for your bravery! I wish there were more people like you out there. the world would be so much better.

don’t hate! don’t fight! don’t kill!

because we’re talking about courageousness, I got a story aswell:
it happened 1,5 years ago. my friends and I wanted to go to a bar. we partied a little bit at home before. we all were in a good mood and everything was fine!
until we got to the subway… we just went downstairs when a girl and a boy started pooring beer downstairs on us. I mean…seriously?! we might have shown them the finger and said fuck off or something like that. anyway. we were downstairs and thought whatever. forget about them. untill suddenly the girl ran up to us and started hitting my best friend on the head and kicked her with her foot. she accused us calling her “hurenkind” (translation could be something like son of a bitch or something lol) but I swear we never did! so we said her, we didn’t do it.
ok, so we were 6 girls, and we 3 girls were standing like 15m away from the other 3 girls. so the girl who attacked us ran over to the other 3 girls and litterally knocked down my other friend. and she kicked her in the head once she was on the ground. I mean wtf?!?! and we told her friend to stop her and he said “I can’t she’s crazy!” oh well as if we didn’t know that already!
but the worst thing was: the plattform was FULL of people!!! but do you think one single person would have done ANYTHING?!?!?! NO!
we went to the hospital immediately and the doctors were so rude. as if it was my friend’s fault she got attacked. I was so angry…! but thank god she didn’t have any bad injuries. just some bruises on her head.
1.5 years ago I was really angry with this girl. I mean I am still. but I now can see it from another point of view too. that’s why I am mad at the people! no one even asked if everything’s ok…no one offered help. nothing!
ok, somehow I can understand it. everyone is scared. but not even helping after the girl ran away?! not cool!

so all in all, thank you again matthew for showing so much strength! I hope you’ll be fine soon! <3

>Ignore the World - Jerx<

I accidentally came across B.o.B.’s album “the adventures of bobby ray” and I have to say, I really dig it!
especially the song “ghost in a machine”… the lyrics are da bomb man!

Tell me where am I supposed to go?
And who am I supposed to believe.
If only you knew what I knew.
Then you could see just what I see.

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain’t what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can’t hide no more.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

You say I look fine, if only you knew what’s on my mind.
You’d see a whole different sign, I couldn’t show you even if I tried.
I must have got lost in time when I found out I was only free to be, where ever I want to be.

Some say I’m out of sight, how I run and that we’re all so blind.
If you could open up your eyes, you could see what I couldn’t describe.
And then, you’d see the signs, and then your soul would be set free, and then you’d be released.

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain’t what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can’t hide no more.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

Tell me where am I supposed to go.
And who am I supposed to believe.
If only you knew what I knew.
Then you could see. (Hey)

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain’t what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can’t hide no more.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

And I’m terrified, like I’ve seen a UFO.
Cause everything ain’t what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can’t hide no more.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

(I go)
(A UFO)
(And I’m so tired of hiding, I’ve been running, I’ve been trying, to get away, to get away)

So I grab my bags and go, as far away as I can go.
Cause everything ain’t what I used to know.
And I try to hide, but I just can’t hide no more.
There’s nothing worse than feeling like a ghost.

>B.o.B. - Ghost in a Machine<

I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel that you’ve been down the same road

this verse is from eminem’s new song “I’m not afraid”… man I reaaaaly dig this song… it’s so true… so…eminem…
I remember listenng to stan when it came out…I was introduced to hip hop through this song! and ever since I love eminem! in my eyes he’s a genius! he went through a lot and messed up a lot… he also had a lot of shitty songs but those that were good were da booomb!!!
and this song is one of those boooombs! listening to his new album right now and it’s really great! you better check it out!

>Eminem - I’m not afraid<